Be Your Own Man, Ladies!

I’m a little flabberghasted right now.

I don’t think that’s how you spell that word – but it works.

I have realized lately when scrolling through Pinterest, or random blogs, or just the internet in general; there are SO many things to read along the lines of “10 things to do for your husband/man”.

Okay. WHAT THE FUCK.

I’m sorry – but last time I checked like 99.3% of women treated their men like kings – in hope of getting the queen treatment in return. I mean, yea maybe one of those 10 things we hadn’t thought of – but I feel like going out of your way to be the ‘perfect’ girlfriend/wife/wtfever is just fucking stupid.

It’s sad to me how chauvinistic this world ACTUALLY is. Like, I’m all for a man working and a woman staying home, cooking, cleaning, whatever…but to then expect her to be at your every beck and call, your personal chef and sex monkey, your maid, your mommy, your doctor and EVERYTHING else that she is for you – every day – and then STILL expect more when YOU do nothing for her like that? Yea…you take care of her…but, she can actually do that on her own.

I think that’s the thing that women don’t actually realize, hell I don’t think men realize it either…there is not a single woman out there that NEEDS a man in her life. Women chose to have men in their lives, they want them there.

There are plenty of positive things a man can add to your life, but shit – you are actually just fine alone.

I guess being who I am, and being able to do almost anything I need to do by myself makes me annoyed by all this shit. I challenge any woman reading this today to go out and find something they think they need a man for and learn how to do it themselves!

It can be as simple as changing a tire or the oil in your car, or as elaborate as building your own bed.

I don’t care what it is – or if a man teaches you to do it…but LEARN something new, and that you don’t NEED a man to do everything for you.

If anyone ACTUALLY does this – I would love to hear how it goes 🙂 justplaintwisted@hotmail.com

xoxo

That One Girl

Ex.Ploh.Zee.On #3

Hitting your funny bone when no one else is around really isn’t funny.

Not even a little bit.

Is it called your funny bone because technically it is the humerus, or because it’s funny to everyone else to see you in EXCRUCIATING pain.

That’s a big word, reminds me of excretion, which is a gross word…much like crevice. Unless you pronounce it creh-vahss, not so bad that way. But weird.

The english language is quite eff’d up if you ask me.

Examples:

To, Too, Two, 2.

Yea, chew on that one with your morning brownie.

Why doesn’t brownie end in a y like all other things, happy, grumpy, fishy, horsey, monkey, money, can you think how stupid those things would look ending in ‘ie’..except after c of course.

Yet another rule that doesn’t apply.

WHY is Y a vowel sometimes, but not others? Does he decide if he’s a vowel today, or do we?

How are we supposed to make a decision like that?

That’s like deciding if you should wear matching socks.

WHY do girls worry if their undies and bra match? Like, if you get in a wreck and they have to cut off your clothes, I don’t think they’re gonna be like WHAT was she thinking?! Blue and black?! OMG. we can’t put her intestines back in.

No.

I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s all women, but I’m awful at making decisions.

This post should tell you that, I can’t even decide what to write about!

Do you think that people can find emails you’ve sent to others just floating around in email-space? I mean…that would suck.

I feel like with technology there is no privacy.

I’m scared to send a sexy picture to my boy for fear of it going elsewhere.

That’s why I only send REALLY good ones.
haha

Happy Wednesday.

It’s a good day for day drinking.

xoxo

That One Girl

Craigslist – allowing guys to be pussies since ’99!

Okay, I don’t know if Craig had a list of ‘missed connections’ when he launched his list in 1999, but he does now.

Have you ever gone to that section of your local craigslist page? If you haven’t you really should. I find myself reading them when I’m bored because they’re simply quite comical. Occasionally I’ll reply to them, hoping to boost the morale of some sad guy, and sometimes I just like to fuck with people. It’s not nice, no, but what I don’t get is why these guys think that the ‘super hot’ girl or the ‘bbw’ that they saw in walmart is going to rush home to check CL for a missed connections ad.

Number one, if I found out that some guy had posted a missed connections ad when he saw me instead of just nutting up and saying ‘Hey, you’re pretty…let’s go get some ice cream’…I would laugh at him, and call him names, but I’m just mean.

Maybe I wouldn’t do that, but maybe I would. I’m a little bit old fashioned, in the sense that I like a man to be a MAN when it comes to dating and stuff! Like, hello! How do you think they did it back in the day? Did they text, or post internet ads?! NO! They just sucked up their little boy guts and talked to girls. Do you people not remember what that rush is like?! Sadly, our younger generations won’t ever know what it was like!

I don’t know, maybe I’m losing my mind here…but trying to get a date on Craigslist is just…sad. Especially when there are so many like 23-26 year old guys doing it? Um. Put down the xBox controller and maybe go to a place where girls hang out? Coffee shop? Bar? Internet Cafe? Like, it’s NOT THAT HARD!

I do blame women though, for making it hard for men to just be open…because, well, they’re bitches. They have ruined and scared so many good men that, well, they must resort to the list set up by Craig to feel they can reach out to women.

SCREW YOU BITCHES!

Guys, not all of us are the same! Take a risk, jump off that cliff! You can do it!

THE WORST that could happen is she says no.

🙂

xoxo

That One Girl

Ex.ploh.zee.on #2

It’s Wednesday yet again all my fellow furniture salesfolk.

I don’t really sell furniture, that was extremely misleading.

Do you ever wonder what the people at Hallmark think when printing cards that they don’t understand?

Yea, me either.

I bet the computers have feelings there at Hallmark. Everything has feelings at Hallmark. They make dogs that bark along when you read a book for pete’s sake.

WHO is pete anyway? Is he/she/it proper, so should it be Pete, or pete? UGH!.

So, I had some coffee today, that was nice. I’m also a little worried about the outcome.

Do you think the guy that Carly Rae Jepsen sings about in Call Me Maybe is a zombie? like,

Your stare was holdin’,
Ripped jeans, skin was showin’
Hot night, wind was blowin’

Seems a bit zombie ish to me.

You know, what if we really do have a zombie apocalypse. Or an alpacalypse, that’d be amazing…a zombie alpaca is just a creepy ass thought though.

I think I’d just go ahead and become zombified, why fight the inevitable?

Can a dog zombie turn you into a zombie? Or only other dogs?

Why do zombies have to be so ugly?

Ever seen a pretty zombie? Ever seen a zombie? Or a vampire? or even just a ghost.

Someone tell me a ghost story!

The Real Life: Paranormal Activity

hahaha.

 

xoxoxo

That One Girl

Why So Serious?

It’s not to often that I feel the urge to write about something even remotely serious, or unrelated to sex or the like, but something today has me feeling a little…serious.

Don’t worry though, it won’t last forever.

I was just thinking….am I the only one with the fast forward button on my life remote stuck down? I know I can’t be, I know for sure. I know this because I see a group of 15-year-old girls at the mall who could easily pass for 20. What happened to the good ole days of being care free and young? I’m by no means old, 23 now, but am starting to see that I’m skipping the best years of my life by trying to hurry up and grow up.

I am generally the youngest in our group of friends, by 6 or more years. 6 years is a lot when we’re talking the difference in 23 and almost 30. At almost 30 people are buying homes and starting families making big accomplishments at work and ya know, doing adult things. When I’m surrounded by that, I think I feel that’s where I should be, that I’m behind…that I’m slacking.

I literally have to figuratively slap myself in the face and say ‘YOU’RE ONLY 23! SLOW.DOWN!’

I think we worry too much about the hustle and bustle of tomorrow and completely forget about today. Then, when you ARE 30 and are just starting to do those things you’ve thought you should have done when you were 23, you’re going to regret not doing those 23-year-old things!

I’m just saying, get a grip on the situation because if you don’t let go of that fast forward button it’s just a lose-lose scenario.

If you’re young, ENJOY being young. Chase your dreams, jump out of planes, take risks, fall in love, get hurt, just….live.

We can sleep when we’re dead.

 

XoXo

-That One Girl

 

The Shit of a Bull, Episode 1.

Have you ever just sat around and thought out random scenarios in your head, and like how they’d play out and exactly what’d happen like little movies of your ‘perfect’ life….yea, me neither.

HA! Just kidding, I do it all the time. I guess that’s like day dreaming, right? Sometimes I day-dream about completely awesome, yet almost always inappropriate things. What is wrong with me? I think about like, if I COULD rob a bank how I’d do it and what I’d do in the 24 hours preceding, because of course, in my dream, after 24 hours I’m not going to be caught.

So what if I was able to rob a bank…I wonder the exact sum I’d make off with. Probably like 4.783 million? Yea, that’s what I was thinking to.

It’d all be in cash, in burlap bags (or gunny sacks as we call em, guess it depends on where you’re from), because I want it to be as redneck as possible. I want the bankers to feel like losers in life, getting robbed by Jesse James and his posse, just one more time.

I’d even ride out on horses…I guess I’ll need quite a few accomplices. Maybe I’ll just shoot for a million 5, I mean that’s enough right?

So, on my run outa town…I’d hit a dirt road with the pony posse and ride on to our hideout. There, I’d give the 4 guys (yea, they’d all be guys…bitches can’t be trusted) their cut for helpin me execute the plan, put the horses away and then jump in a jet with one select person to paradise island in the Bahamas. Why? I don’t know…because it’s freakin awesome. There, I’d get the biggest suite and person and I would roll around in the money for like ..an hour…because we could.

THEN, I’d pay all the people to get out of the pool and have it to myself for a few hours, and get my tasty fruity drink on.

I’d do all kinds of stupid things with my money for the next 17 hours, and then make my way back to the states…buying a huge ranch in Texas complete with ponies and a giant pool and outdoor kitchen.

This story is getting boring now, isn’t it?

Hahahaha. Who ends something that way? ME…don’t hate, appreciate. Or something.

I’m gonna go to the liquor store now and find something tasty.

BE JEALOUS.

xoxo

-That One Girl

Drunken Blog #2 – How to be good at being bad.

I don’t know why the 2 drunken blogs are like…instructional or some shit, but I feel like everyone should know how to perfect being bad.

There are a few different things to cover here, being bad isn’t just one thing. A lot of people are bad in different ways. I’m just going to thow out some pointers on how to keep yourself outa trouble while you should be getting into trouble.

Obviously, you shouldn’t drink and drive, or speed, or commit any other traffic violations becauase it’s really not safe..but if you must – wear your seatbelt and, ladies, a low cut shirt paired with a pushup bra (a nice tight pair of jeans doesn’t hurt either) Guys…just have a lady drive you, or at least take one with you.

You should also never keep more drugs  in your vehicle than you can consume without dying and getting competely twisted. If it’s inside your body it’s no longer a controled substance …that shit is outa control. haha. I don’t think this would work with alcohol.

You shouldn’t cheat on your lover, but if you do..don’t TELL anyone. I mean, think about it…if you tell your friend, they tell their friend..eventually someone who cares about your partner is going to find out..and tel them. Just keep it to yourself.

If you’re gonna be a whore, take a lot of showers. There is nothing wrong with being a whore..but being a dirty whore is unacceptable.

ALWAYS delete your drunk texts..but not until the next morning, we all know that shit is entertaining as fuck to read sober….unless you make an ass outa yourself! DON’T do that.

I’m pretty drunk right now. I think the next drunk blog will be about how to be super fucking awesome when you’re drunk.

Peace out kids…I’ma get my pass-out on!

-That One Girl

 

 

Ex.ploh.zee.on #1

Shut the front door you stupid son of a motherless goat!

Said no one ever…except me…because I’m fucking awesome.

This blog is about absolutely nothing, other than the bull shit that is grey matter floating amongst my cerebrum.

What?

Yea..if you don’t understand that you should NOT be reading this still..

Seriously, why are you still reading.

STOP.

Okay, fine ….obviously you have NO self control.

That’s okay – neither do I. Ever.

I like to get WASTED…for no reason. I like to think about other people naked..because thinking about yourself naked gets weird…really weird.

I like to cook shit that I know won’t taste good…I always fail though, and it turns out fucking fantastic.

Water is tasty.

Why are some girls whores and others prudes?

Guys are awesome..I like guys. Guys make sense sometimes. They are so NOT complicated..and they don’t have bleeding vaginas.

Why does it bother some guys to fuck a girl on her period? It’s just schmagma..you weirdos – plus it feels FUCKING good to us, you selfish asses!

Asses. Some guys are ass guys..some guys are tit guys..some guys are just guys and like whatever the fuck they get.

I think my mouse is dying…the one for my computer..I don’t have a pet mouse, THAT would be freaking weird. Ew.

I’d put it on people though, if I did have one.

I wish I had a trampoline right now…and a camera-contact that I could just blink 4 times fast and it’d take the exact picture of what I’m looking at. Someone invent that and give me one, since it WAS my idea.

Why do people make fun of Jewish people?

Why is the word Jew funny?

I’m not descriminating, I like everyone.

I think I should have been a hippie.

I wonder how many of you stilll reading this think I’m fucked up outa my dome.

Sad day. I’m not. All I’ve had is a Diurex and a 5hr energy.

 

PEACE OUT!

Who says that anymore?

I love you all.

Probably.

 

 

Drunken Blog #1: Ladies is pimps too!

Here I sit with my bestie, sucking margaritas at 3 pm, discussing the douchebaggery of her ex….when drunken blog topic #1 arises.

Let me have some more ‘rita before I carry on.

Working on ‘rita 4…bear/bare with me!

4 is gone …and little mamas ex, in one message, managed to call her a whore AND tell her that she is ‘his girl’….we decided then…that Lady Pimpin is the way of life for a single lady.

So, now you’re wondering to yourself, how does one become a lady pimp.

First – let me explain…a lady pimp isn’t a lady who pimps people out, cuz that’d just be weird. A lady pimp is a bad ass bitch, who does what she wants, who she wants, where she wants…HOWEVER the hell she wants. Literally.

Because you can run this shit! Talkin, runnin, runnin and runnin runnin!

Rule #1 – Avoid towns with a population of less than 11,237 people. That’s bad news. That’s just asking for drama, rumors, the HIV, inbreeding, fake titties …wait, what?

Rule #2 – Find the egotistical guys, the ones that WON’T get hung up on you, or heaven forbid, fall for you! This is a fling thing, not forever!

Rule #3 – IF they do fall, KICK them to the curb. It’s not worth the bull shit.

Rule #4 – Never talk to just one guy. One isn’t enough. One is just stupid. Keep that pond well stocked!

Rule #5 – Diversify! Don’t stick to just one breed. Get yourself a nice guy, a cowboy, a bad boy, and a rich boy. Especially a rich boy.

Rule #6 – Spoil and be spoiled! By spoil..I mean, you…not someone else.

Rule # 7 – Be overly awesome, cocky, and super sexy in everything you do – even gym time, because you can.

 

I think if you follow these 7 simple rules, you will be rockin the lady pimp status in no time. 😉

 

xoxo

That One Drunk Girl 😉

I got drunk last night.

THAT is a big shocker.

I didn’t get completely shitty – can’t even stand up – slobbering out my facial orifices drunk, but I got fairly intoxicated.

I didn’t mean to, honest.

I was just hanging out with some friends, and BAM, that beer was going down like water does after a 69 mile jog in the Mojave! …literally…not figurately..because I’ve done that.

Only not.

But seriously, this really wasn’t any special time of getting drunk…no special occasion, nothing to celebrate..other than the beer tasting WAY too good and the weather being WAY too nice (that’s not actually possible) and being around people who are a hell of a lot of a good time.

I’ve noticed some things about drunk me, they are as follows;

• I’m even more awesome…like at least 100% more.
• It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, I can do the splits, or put my leg on your shoulder, or do toe touches on a trampoline. Ask my BigStar jeans, they’ll tell you.
• My makeup will look like shit after about beer 10, but by then – everyone else is so drunk too that I still look amazing, and I don’t mind telling you that I think so.
• I’m hilarious. I’m not talking, hehe, haha, funnyfunny…I’m talking, you may piss a little if you haven’t broken the seal because I’m such a comical idiot.
• I become Dr. Phil. I even put on a mustache. Why, I don’t know, but I’m one hell of an advice giver when I’m twisted.
• I become a super agressive, nearly ripping clothes off and forcing myself upon you, flirt.
• I can ‘hold it’ longer than ANY of the guys.
• I forget all of my manners, except for ‘yes sir’…I say that a lot when I’m drunk.
• My filter shuts off at 6 beers.
• If I’m with a girl who is my friend, and she wants to talk shit…I’ll talk mad shit with her, to like anyone…cuz I’m a sweetheart like that
• I can NOT do cartwheels.
• I also can’t swim when I’m drunk. I can walk, drive a golf cart, and jump on a trampoline though.
• I like a wine buzz better than a beer buzz.
• Tequila is YOUR friend if we’re drinking together.
• I want everyone to have fun, so I may suggest stupid games, that everyone loves..then everyone loves me ..and we’re all drunk, and happy, and amazing.

THE END!

Haha. But really, I just wanted to run my mouth about how fun I am when I’m drunk…maybe I’ll get drunk and write a blog – so you guys can kinda experience it.

What should that drunken blog be about?

XoXo

-That One Girl